Maybe you're in bed in a dark room just this moment, while reading this text (using the few pacing units still left).
Perhaps you're using noise canceling ear pods, trying to stop this burning, sharp and permanent pain inside of you by helper like cool- or heat-pads whilst reading this.
Possibly you didn't eat or drink without help since days or the greatest you achieved was having a shower.
Every word, every movement, every bite and swallow may force your body to give in - and you along.´
Maybe you are "lucky" and the ME is not that worse, but anyway you know, the next little trip to the world outside (if the bench around the corner or the nice restaurant) may force you back to or to the sofa for days.
Perhaps today you lifted a bottle of milk out of your shopping basket and you're battling with burning pain not knowing where it begins and end since then, like I did today.
And I am so aware of the fact, I am so lucky being able to move milk bottles at - because a lot of "us" are not even able to do this anymore.
ME is an endless battle and fight.
Not only a fight with all you may find between milk bottles and turn around in the bed - a fight in any way. Our cells permanently battle against something the science can't name exactly, not yet. But regarding the current state of researches they don't fight (anymore) against an intruder from the outside. The fight against themselves. The immune system unlearned to stop alarm / battle mode after the releasing infection.
In an analogy all your soldiers still run around on the battlefield like crazy - furiously screaming, beating around. But, there is nothing to defeat anymore. They only destroy themselves. It is a biochemical war of attrition.
It feels eaxactly this merciless. As if our body would battle against itself in wildest aggresion. All is screaming, loud, overstimulated and dysfunctional.
How do we react to this sickness?
Well, as with the most sicknesses we decide, to fight against it. We want to f..k this sickness. We do NOT WANT it.
All these emotions are important, pretty normal and huma. But, unfortunately they fuel the battle mode in our anxious system more and more and do exactly what we don't wish: They worsen us.
So many of us know the result of all the doctor's visit and the diagnosis marathon before we finally got to know we suffer from ME. The most persons worsened intensely by this.
We all know: The only help is pacing, absolutely and consistently. Constitent REST. It's the try to create an external peace to effect our screaming body being in a neon-light-like fight mode. Lights dimmed, noises cancelled, every stimulus to the lowest possible level.
Because our cells fight and fight so much, so even the most ordinary scent, smell or taste, movement or word could cost too much energy, if we wish to avoid the wild soldiers to fight even more and even blinder and destroy even more.
But, if we go into resistance against our situation (and this is understandable!) again and again, we cause exactly this to happen, on the biological level. This is what we name psycho-neuro-immunology (and don't be scared about the word *psyche* again, the context is very biological).
Short explanation:
The resistance / fight against ME stimulates our Amygdala (anxiety center in our brain) --> it recognizes "danger/life danger" --> Fight&Flight Mode --> Releasing of stress hormones --> Trigger of inflammation and pain chemicals --> we worsen
In an analogy: We place ourselfs to the battlefield with a screaming Heavy Metal orchestra and a stroboscope and we do scream: "F..K! I want peace, so I will kill of you, if you don't stop right now!" I guess, we shouldn't expect the soldiers to be calmed down by this, lay down arms and unpack their yoga mat.
Regarded in a spiritual / religios way, fighting also is not the best way to end an unwished situation, most times it leads to the opposite result.
Let's look, for instance, to christianity. (and the same you'll find similar in any religion). Christians know the principle of surrendering trustfully to god's will. This does NOT mean to be a marionette - it means to trust, to let go.
In Christianity we know the beautiful Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
And it does NOT matter now, if you are religious, spiritual or an atheist. Just reading this words offers the biochemical potentail to weaken the circle of fear - fight - worsening chemicals at least a little, little bit.
That is, in religion, how the prayer releases spiritual change. By letting go and surrendering. Somehow, he exhales finally, after a long while of holding breath.
Well, all of this reads and writes so easily and I could imagine you thinking now (furious?) PFFFF? Are you mad?
I understand you so much! đź’“
How could you ever stop fighting against something that terrible, while grieving for your old life, your old Me, while having to handle so much and not seeing any light at the horizon?
It it is not easy.
In fact, it is incredibly exhaisting and I tell you: It is not a Heal-it-all, no guarantee and at last it is a switch you touch and all will be fine again. It is not the pill to swallow and making everything fine again and it is not 5-minute-meal. It is a long and exhausting way.
Two steps forward, one back, two forward, two back, three forward, two back. You got me.
But maybe you could here and now - being exhausted by milk-bottle-wrestling or the chatting of your neighbours in front of your window or the stunt of pulling the blanket a little higher in bed - search inside your self for a moment. And imagine how it could possibly feel if some of the screaming soldiers inside of you would stop for a second to fight and find peace.
If you would try to find out what the word
PEACE
does to you, if you open your mind, body and soul a split second.
If you imagine to end the fight. For a second at least.
And this does NOT mean to stop hoping or having the purpose to get back to health! Oh no - purpose and hope are something very different than fighting.
During the next weeks I will give you some insights that may help you to ensure a little breather for these fighting soldiers inside.
But for today... I only wish you this: Listen to yourself for a moment, listen into your body and check what the thought of ceasefire or even peace releases inside you and your cells, your body and your being.
And let it happen. And with this you will have done for your, your milkbottels and anything else so difficult, way more than you may imagine.
Just try. Open your heart to the power of peace, and if only a single second a day. One breath. Without the expection of a miracle.
Inhale. Exhale. And consciously leave the battlefied for a short moment. And embrace peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment